If You Love Me
I no longer remember exactly how this interaction with God began. I think I was reading the Bible and the Spirit of God drew my attention to this verse:
If you love me, you will keep (obey) my commands. (John 14:15)
“God, don’t I love you?” I asked. I worked and then came home and sowed the word of God into my heart so it would produce what God wanted in me. I fasted and prayed. I submitted myself to do what he told me to do. And, infrequently, but sometimes, I did not obey his commands.
He simply repeated what I had read, “If you love me, you will keep my commands.”
There really was no way around it. No matter how much I might have wanted to measure it differently the word of God was true. I did not obey his commands, therefore I did not love God - and since I thought I did love God that meant that I did not know what love was.
There are serious consequences for not truly walking in love. Not knowing what love was the only walking in love I was doing was by accident. This was not going to produce consistent, reliable results.
As I talked with God, though, my thoughts were not on the consequences. My thoughts were on wanting to love God and failing, on being so bankrupt that I didn’t even know what love was.
I was crying as I said, “God. I want to love you, but I don’t know what love is. You will have to add it to the list of things I don’t know that you are teaching me.”
Thankfully, he has taught me and brought me to where, by the measure of the word and witness of his spirit, I love him. I would still like to love him and know him more. He really is amazing beyond words.